Tag Archive | sex

Visual Versus Emotional Desire

We mentioned earlier that Allah has created men and women differently. One of the most pronounced differences between genders when it comes to issues of intimacy is arousal. Each gender has been keyed to respond to different senses. If a couple wishes to maximize feelings of closeness and intimacy, it is essential that each party understands the other’s arousal mechanism.

For men, the primary sense of arousal is physical. Seeing the figure, smelling the aroma, and touching the body of a woman is what arouses a man. When a man’s physical needs are satisfied, he is most likely to reciprocate with emotional responses.

For a woman, on the other hand, the primary sense of arousal is emotional. Feeling loved, appreciated and cared for are the underlying emotional factors that will mostly make the woman love back in return. When a woman’s emotional needs are satisfied, she is more likely to reciprocate with physical responses.

One of the biggest sources of conflict in a marriage is this simple lack of understanding. Women feel used when their husbands take advantage of them physically but ignore their emotional needs. On the other hand, men feel frustrated that their wives are so withdrawn and cold during acts of intimacy, complaining both at the quantity and quality of these acts. Both parties need to give more of what the other party wants, in order to receive back what they themselves desire.

A marriage is a give-and-take relationship. It is a two way street. You must give the best of what your partner wants in order to obtain the best of what you wish to receive. Men need to learn to be more sensitive and understanding, and women need to learn to be more physical.

Jazakum Allah khayr!
Yasir Qadhi

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The Language of Love

Love has many languages. By this, we mean that there are different ways that people express love and recognize it. Many times, the way that a person expresses love is not the same way that their partner wants to hear it.

Imagine, if you will, two people who are speaking different languages to one another – say, Chinese and Swahili. Even though one of them might be saying ‘I love you’ in her language, the other person simply has no clue that this is a message of love. They are not communicating in the same wavelength.

Many times, a person feels unloved by his or her spouse because the expected language to hear that love never materializes. Yet, if the spouse were asked about his or her feelings, it would become clear that true love does actually exist. It’s just a matter of not communicating the feeling of love properly to the other party.

For example, some people express their love by wanting to spend quality time with their beloved. This is generally more common amongst women. If a wife does not get to spend quality time with her husband, she might feel unloved, even if he is showing his love to her in other ways (by spending his money on her, for example). On the other hand, other people express love by physical acts, such as kissing and sexual activity. This is more common amongst men. When a man regularly approaches his wife, he is showing that he loves her. Yet, the wife is not ‘hearing’ this love because in her vocabulary, love must be expressed in a different language – that of time. Unless and until she sees this aspect, she will find it difficult to understand that her husband loves her.

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A Wife Can Be A Source Of Reward!

Ibn Mas’ood (ra) related that the Prophet (saw) said; “When a man spends on his family seeking the reward for that from Allaah, then it is charity on his behalf.” [Saheeh Bukhaari]

Sa’d Ibn Abee Waqaas (ra) related that Allaah’s Messenger said; “Indeed, whenever you spend seeking Allaah’s Countenance for doing so, you will be rewarded for it – even for what (i.e., the food) you put in the mouth of your wife.” [Saheeh Bukhaari]

Abu Dharr related that Allaah’s Messenger said; “In the private part of each of you there is charity.

The companions asked; “O Messenger Of Allaah, does one of us fulfil his (sexual) desire (i.e., have sexual relations with his wife) and still get rewarded?!

He said; “Yes, do you not see that if one were to use it for haraam (i.e., if one was to have sexual relations with a woman other than his wife) – there would be a sin upon him? And similar is the case of the one who uses it for halaal (purposes)! He has his reward!” [Saheeh Muslim]

Beautiful Narration: “I Had Sexual Relations With My Wife While Observing The Ramadhaan Fast.”

Beautiful Narration: “I Had Sexual Relations With My Wife While Observing The Ramadhaan Fast.”

While we were sitting in the company of Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) a man approached and said: “O Messenger of Allah! I’m ruined!

The Prophet said: “What is the matter?

He said: “I had sexual relations with my wife while observing the Ramadan fast.

Allah’s Messenger then asked him: “Can you find a slave whom you can free?” He said “No“. “Then, are you able to fast for two consecutive months?” He said “No“. “Then, do you have the wherewithal to feed 60 poor people?” He said “No“.

So the Prophet (peace be upon him) stopped and considered, and we waited like that until a large basket of dates was brought to him. He asked: “Where is that questioner?

The man spoke up: “Here I am.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Take this and give it out in charity.

The man then asked: “Messenger of Allah, must I find someone poorer than myself to give it to? By Allah, there is no household in town poorer than my own.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) laughed until we could see his teeth, the said: “Go feed your family.

This hadîth is related by Abû Hurayrah in Sahîh al-Bukhârî (1936) and Sahîh Muslim (1111).

Source

A point to be noted is that the Messenger of Allah did not ask the female whom he had sexual relations with to also do any of these acts (fast, feed the poor etc), so a woman is free from such compensations, and Allaah knows best.

The Communication Between Men & Women Over the Internet

The Communication Between Men & Women Over the Internet

Compiled by: Abu Ziead al-Athary

Assalamu alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakatuhu

The noble Shaykh Ubayd al-Jabari ý may Allaah protect him- repeats his warning against communication, with mobile phones or over the internet, between men and women while claiming the justification of seeking knowledge or giving Dawaý.

In an open question and answer session taking place every Sunday evening in the Paltalk room ýSalafi Duroosý, the noble Shaykh said: ýCommunicating over the telephone is an area and way in which the heart of both the speaker and communicator will become attached to the otherýs!ý
Here is a transcript of what the Shaykh commented on after an answer to a similar question:

ýI would like to bring to attention a dangerous issueý. Which many of the Muslim men and women who they ascribe themselves to knowledge fall into. I have dealt with this issue before but many of the people have refused it and that they have been obstinate and rejected the advice!!

From the news that has reached me of the danger of this issue, a person finds it embarrassing to mention itý. And this is the issue, which is individuals speaking over the phone and communicating via mobile phones.

This matter has overcome many men and women with the justification of Dawaý but this justification is not valid and it is an excuse which is corrupt. It is not hidden from every Muslim man and woman whose heart has been filled with the awe and reverential fear of Allaah, that al-Khallwaa (being alone with a member of the opposite sex with whom there is no relation) is Haraam. The meaning here is that khallwaa is being alone with strange men and women.

As for the evil effects of this, as have been relayed to me, they are more severe than al-Khallwaa (being alone with a member of the opposite sex with whom there is no relation), since al-Khallwaa in a house or in a car causes the people to look at them, as for communicating over the internet and sending and receiving messages over the phone then this is a hidden Khallwaa, which is only known to the Originator of the heavens and the earth and the noble scribes (Angels).

Indeed many women have complained that what has busied their husbands are these conversations and communication and I will mention some of their evil effects for you:

Firstly: if these communications are taking place in a chat room, for example in ýSalafi Duroosý so I say in the name of those supervising ýSalafi Duroosý ýthis type of chatting is a sin upon youý this type of chatting is a sin upon you ý I do not hold it to be permissibleý I say this because I supervise ýSalafi Duroosý so I speak with the ruling of a representative.

Secondly: Chatting like this busies one from learning knowledge, since those who isolate themselves by conversing with whatever they want from conversation, then they busy themselves away from what is transmitted by ýSalafi Duroosý and from other knowledge-based lessons and this is obstruction in the path of Allaah.

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