Tag Archive | relationship

Visual Versus Emotional Desire

We mentioned earlier that Allah has created men and women differently. One of the most pronounced differences between genders when it comes to issues of intimacy is arousal. Each gender has been keyed to respond to different senses. If a couple wishes to maximize feelings of closeness and intimacy, it is essential that each party understands the other’s arousal mechanism.

For men, the primary sense of arousal is physical. Seeing the figure, smelling the aroma, and touching the body of a woman is what arouses a man. When a man’s physical needs are satisfied, he is most likely to reciprocate with emotional responses.

For a woman, on the other hand, the primary sense of arousal is emotional. Feeling loved, appreciated and cared for are the underlying emotional factors that will mostly make the woman love back in return. When a woman’s emotional needs are satisfied, she is more likely to reciprocate with physical responses.

One of the biggest sources of conflict in a marriage is this simple lack of understanding. Women feel used when their husbands take advantage of them physically but ignore their emotional needs. On the other hand, men feel frustrated that their wives are so withdrawn and cold during acts of intimacy, complaining both at the quantity and quality of these acts. Both parties need to give more of what the other party wants, in order to receive back what they themselves desire.

A marriage is a give-and-take relationship. It is a two way street. You must give the best of what your partner wants in order to obtain the best of what you wish to receive. Men need to learn to be more sensitive and understanding, and women need to learn to be more physical.

Jazakum Allah khayr!
Yasir Qadhi

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The Communication Between Men & Women Over the Internet

The Communication Between Men & Women Over the Internet

Compiled by: Abu Ziead al-Athary

Assalamu alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakatuhu

The noble Shaykh Ubayd al-Jabari ý may Allaah protect him- repeats his warning against communication, with mobile phones or over the internet, between men and women while claiming the justification of seeking knowledge or giving Dawaý.

In an open question and answer session taking place every Sunday evening in the Paltalk room ýSalafi Duroosý, the noble Shaykh said: ýCommunicating over the telephone is an area and way in which the heart of both the speaker and communicator will become attached to the otherýs!ý
Here is a transcript of what the Shaykh commented on after an answer to a similar question:

ýI would like to bring to attention a dangerous issueý. Which many of the Muslim men and women who they ascribe themselves to knowledge fall into. I have dealt with this issue before but many of the people have refused it and that they have been obstinate and rejected the advice!!

From the news that has reached me of the danger of this issue, a person finds it embarrassing to mention itý. And this is the issue, which is individuals speaking over the phone and communicating via mobile phones.

This matter has overcome many men and women with the justification of Dawaý but this justification is not valid and it is an excuse which is corrupt. It is not hidden from every Muslim man and woman whose heart has been filled with the awe and reverential fear of Allaah, that al-Khallwaa (being alone with a member of the opposite sex with whom there is no relation) is Haraam. The meaning here is that khallwaa is being alone with strange men and women.

As for the evil effects of this, as have been relayed to me, they are more severe than al-Khallwaa (being alone with a member of the opposite sex with whom there is no relation), since al-Khallwaa in a house or in a car causes the people to look at them, as for communicating over the internet and sending and receiving messages over the phone then this is a hidden Khallwaa, which is only known to the Originator of the heavens and the earth and the noble scribes (Angels).

Indeed many women have complained that what has busied their husbands are these conversations and communication and I will mention some of their evil effects for you:

Firstly: if these communications are taking place in a chat room, for example in ýSalafi Duroosý so I say in the name of those supervising ýSalafi Duroosý ýthis type of chatting is a sin upon youý this type of chatting is a sin upon you ý I do not hold it to be permissibleý I say this because I supervise ýSalafi Duroosý so I speak with the ruling of a representative.

Secondly: Chatting like this busies one from learning knowledge, since those who isolate themselves by conversing with whatever they want from conversation, then they busy themselves away from what is transmitted by ýSalafi Duroosý and from other knowledge-based lessons and this is obstruction in the path of Allaah.

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Why Marriages Fail, By Shaykh Haitham Al-Haddaad

Why Marriages Fail

By Shaykh Haitham Al-Haddaad

Part 1: The Scale Of The Problem

Part 2: causes For Divorce

Part 3: Effects Of Pornography

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Choosing A Spouse (Who The Sister Chooses)

Choosing A Spouse (Who The Brother Chooses)

There are several things sisters look for when they are looking for a mate. But unfortunately many of them look for the wrong thing. As one of my good friends said: “Akhii all they looking for these days is money cars and superstars”.. A plethora of sisters have chosen brothers upon the wrong criteria and have paid dearly as a result.

The Messenger (Salallahu alaihi wa sallam) gave a golden advice to those who are the guardians of the sisters. He said: “If a man comes to you who has good religion and good manners than marry him (to the woman you are in charge of) and if you do not do so there will be great and widespread mischief on earth”. This hadeeth has many benefits and from them are:

1) The Muslim woman doesn’t just go on the street, sees a good looking brother and then seeks his hand in marriage . Rather this process goes through the guardian of the women. Hence for many sisters the process began on the wrong foot. And the scholars have said: “Whatever is built upon falsehood remains false”.

2) The man who is chosen should be one who has good deen i.e he should have knowledge of the religion and must act upon this knowledge. Whether it is in his belief, his understanding of jurisprudence or his dealings with others. He would also fear Allah in secret and in the open.

3) He should have good manners . And this would ensure that he treats his wife with the best of treatment and gives her the rights that were bestowed upon her by Allah the most high.

4) If this is not done there would be great mischief upon the earth .

No doubt mischief has been spread because this golden advice has not been taken by most guardians. And Allah’s help is sought. This is the case of what we would call ‘traditional’ Muslim families.

As for many reverts or even some sisters that grew up in Muslim homes they choose a man, whether Muslim or Kaafir, and seeks to marry him on the pretense of giving da’wah when in reality they wish to marry him for another purpose. This phenomenon is what is called in Trinidad the ‘Nikah Da’wah’. And what is sad is that when these relationships don’t work out they seek the help of the Muslims, and they complain, fret and get vext. I feel some sympathy but as the old saying goes you made your bed therefore lie down on it.

On this note I would like to lend some advice to the Muslims that would be beneficial to them. I am sure that all have seen that the common denominator for choosing a spouse is the religion and having good manners. If one knows this and doesn’t act accordingly then as we say in Trinidad: Crapaud smoke yuh pipe.

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Brief Encounter On Facebook Leads To Love

Brief Encounter On Facebook Leads To Love

Q) I have male friends on facebook, and for a number of months I have been talking to a male friend and we have fallen in love. We haven’t met in person but have contemplated it. I feel bad but I feel so attached to him. Am I sinning? What do I do?

A) Thank you for the question. You mentioned that you have some male friends on facebook, and that you formed a relationship with a male friend and that relationship has transformed to loving that person. You also mentioned that you have contemplated meeting that person and you feel bad and do not know what to do.

First and foremost, we should know that there are certain etiquettes all Muslims have to adhere to when engaging with the opposite sex on facebook, forums etc. Among the manners are: When talking or writing there must not be any flirtation. Exchanging photos of each other should be completely avoided unless it was for the reasons of marriage and with the consent of one’s parents or guardians. Talking in private chat rooms etc should be avoided.

Secondly, falling in love is natural. Allah said in regards to the relationship between the husband and wife that He, ‘ordained between you love and mercy’ (30:21). Therefore, falling in love is not a sin because in shari’ah ‘whatever feelings overcome one’s heart without his or her choice, then no sin is deemed to have been committed. Indeed, feelings of love and hate which overcome one’s emotions inadvertently are not considered sins, unless they drive that person to act upon those feelings in an unlawful manner.

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The Power of Three Little Words

Advice for a Relationship, a Marriage and Friendship

Written By Emma Shuaidi

Some of the most significant messages people deliver to one another often come in just three words. When spoken or conveyed, those statements have the power to forge new friendships, deepen old ones and restore relationships that have cooled. The following three-word phrases can enrich every relationship.

I’LL BE THERE – Being there for another person is the greatest gift we can give. When we are truly present for other people, important things happen to them and to us. We are renewed in love and friendship. We are restored emotionally and spiritually. ‘Being there’ is at the very core of civility.

I MISS YOU – Perhaps more marriages could be salvaged and strengthened if couples simply and sincerely said to each other, “I miss you.” This powerful affirmation tells partners they are wanted, needed, desired and loved.

I RESPECT YOU – Respect is another way of showing love. Respect conveys the feeling that another person is a true equal. It is a powerful way to affirm the importance of a relationship.

MAYBE YOU’RE RIGHT – This phrase is highly effective in diffusing an argument and restoring frayed emotions. The flip side of “maybe you’re right” is the humility of admitting “maybe I’m wrong.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME – Many broken relationships could be restored and healed if people would admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. All of us are vulnerable to faults, foibles and failures. A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.

I THANK YOU – Gratitude is an exquisite form of courtesy. People who enjoy the companionship of good, close friends are those who don’t take daily courtesies for granted. They are quick to thank their friends for their many expressions of kindness. On the other hand, people whose circle of friends is severely constricted often do not have the attitude of gratitude.

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