Tag Archive | love

The Language of Love

Love has many languages. By this, we mean that there are different ways that people express love and recognize it. Many times, the way that a person expresses love is not the same way that their partner wants to hear it.

Imagine, if you will, two people who are speaking different languages to one another – say, Chinese and Swahili. Even though one of them might be saying ‘I love you’ in her language, the other person simply has no clue that this is a message of love. They are not communicating in the same wavelength.

Many times, a person feels unloved by his or her spouse because the expected language to hear that love never materializes. Yet, if the spouse were asked about his or her feelings, it would become clear that true love does actually exist. It’s just a matter of not communicating the feeling of love properly to the other party.

For example, some people express their love by wanting to spend quality time with their beloved. This is generally more common amongst women. If a wife does not get to spend quality time with her husband, she might feel unloved, even if he is showing his love to her in other ways (by spending his money on her, for example). On the other hand, other people express love by physical acts, such as kissing and sexual activity. This is more common amongst men. When a man regularly approaches his wife, he is showing that he loves her. Yet, the wife is not ‘hearing’ this love because in her vocabulary, love must be expressed in a different language – that of time. Unless and until she sees this aspect, she will find it difficult to understand that her husband loves her.

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A Wife Can Be A Source Of Reward!

Ibn Mas’ood (ra) related that the Prophet (saw) said; “When a man spends on his family seeking the reward for that from Allaah, then it is charity on his behalf.” [Saheeh Bukhaari]

Sa’d Ibn Abee Waqaas (ra) related that Allaah’s Messenger said; “Indeed, whenever you spend seeking Allaah’s Countenance for doing so, you will be rewarded for it – even for what (i.e., the food) you put in the mouth of your wife.” [Saheeh Bukhaari]

Abu Dharr related that Allaah’s Messenger said; “In the private part of each of you there is charity.

The companions asked; “O Messenger Of Allaah, does one of us fulfil his (sexual) desire (i.e., have sexual relations with his wife) and still get rewarded?!

He said; “Yes, do you not see that if one were to use it for haraam (i.e., if one was to have sexual relations with a woman other than his wife) – there would be a sin upon him? And similar is the case of the one who uses it for halaal (purposes)! He has his reward!” [Saheeh Muslim]

Fundamentals Of A Happy Marriage

Fundamentals Of A Happy Marriage

Faith: The most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common faith that binds the couple.

Since Islam is a way of life and not just a religion confined to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a Muslim’s life. The frame of reference shared by the couple eases communication and sharing of values which is not possible in an interfaith marriage. It is highly recommended that faith play an important role in the developing a loving relationship.

For example, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, that when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a reward for this act and Allah increases the bond of love between them. So when we love each other for the sake of Allah WE ACTUALLY INCREASE OUR FAITH.

Forgiving: When the Prophet Muhammad asked his Companions ‘do you wish that Allah should forgive you’ they said, of course O Prophet of Allah. He responded, ‘then forgive each other’.

One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the spouses are able to forgive, that they do not hold grudges or act judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when we live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not stingy to forgive.

If we expect Allah to forgive us than we must learn to forgive.

Forget: When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us down or hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who use this technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of their own pettiness, unable to break free.

Forbearance: Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a proactive frame of mind it brings us closer to Allah through Tawakul and reliance .We develop an inner mechanism that empowers us to handle life’s difficult moments. As Allah states in Surah al-Asr: “Surely by time humans are at loss, except those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel each other to the truth and counsel each other to Sabr’ (Quran, chapter 103).

Flexible: Many couples unnecessarily make themselves miserable because they are unwilling to bend a little.

We should not expect our spouses to be our extensions. They are their own selves with personalities, likes and dislikes. We must respect their right to be them selves as long as it does not compromise their Deen (religion). Being inflexible and not accommodating for individual differences leads to a very stressful and tense home atmosphere.

Friendship: This aspect of marriage has three components.

First is to develop a friendship with our spouses.The relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures.

We honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends, in spite of our differences. These are the aspects of friendship we should bring to our marriages.

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Why Marriages Fail, By Shaykh Haitham Al-Haddaad

Why Marriages Fail

By Shaykh Haitham Al-Haddaad

Part 1: The Scale Of The Problem

Part 2: causes For Divorce

Part 3: Effects Of Pornography

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Choosing A Spouse (Who The Sister Chooses)

Choosing A Spouse (Who The Brother Chooses)

There are several things sisters look for when they are looking for a mate. But unfortunately many of them look for the wrong thing. As one of my good friends said: “Akhii all they looking for these days is money cars and superstars”.. A plethora of sisters have chosen brothers upon the wrong criteria and have paid dearly as a result.

The Messenger (Salallahu alaihi wa sallam) gave a golden advice to those who are the guardians of the sisters. He said: “If a man comes to you who has good religion and good manners than marry him (to the woman you are in charge of) and if you do not do so there will be great and widespread mischief on earth”. This hadeeth has many benefits and from them are:

1) The Muslim woman doesn’t just go on the street, sees a good looking brother and then seeks his hand in marriage . Rather this process goes through the guardian of the women. Hence for many sisters the process began on the wrong foot. And the scholars have said: “Whatever is built upon falsehood remains false”.

2) The man who is chosen should be one who has good deen i.e he should have knowledge of the religion and must act upon this knowledge. Whether it is in his belief, his understanding of jurisprudence or his dealings with others. He would also fear Allah in secret and in the open.

3) He should have good manners . And this would ensure that he treats his wife with the best of treatment and gives her the rights that were bestowed upon her by Allah the most high.

4) If this is not done there would be great mischief upon the earth .

No doubt mischief has been spread because this golden advice has not been taken by most guardians. And Allah’s help is sought. This is the case of what we would call ‘traditional’ Muslim families.

As for many reverts or even some sisters that grew up in Muslim homes they choose a man, whether Muslim or Kaafir, and seeks to marry him on the pretense of giving da’wah when in reality they wish to marry him for another purpose. This phenomenon is what is called in Trinidad the ‘Nikah Da’wah’. And what is sad is that when these relationships don’t work out they seek the help of the Muslims, and they complain, fret and get vext. I feel some sympathy but as the old saying goes you made your bed therefore lie down on it.

On this note I would like to lend some advice to the Muslims that would be beneficial to them. I am sure that all have seen that the common denominator for choosing a spouse is the religion and having good manners. If one knows this and doesn’t act accordingly then as we say in Trinidad: Crapaud smoke yuh pipe.

Source

Brief Encounter On Facebook Leads To Love

Brief Encounter On Facebook Leads To Love

Q) I have male friends on facebook, and for a number of months I have been talking to a male friend and we have fallen in love. We haven’t met in person but have contemplated it. I feel bad but I feel so attached to him. Am I sinning? What do I do?

A) Thank you for the question. You mentioned that you have some male friends on facebook, and that you formed a relationship with a male friend and that relationship has transformed to loving that person. You also mentioned that you have contemplated meeting that person and you feel bad and do not know what to do.

First and foremost, we should know that there are certain etiquettes all Muslims have to adhere to when engaging with the opposite sex on facebook, forums etc. Among the manners are: When talking or writing there must not be any flirtation. Exchanging photos of each other should be completely avoided unless it was for the reasons of marriage and with the consent of one’s parents or guardians. Talking in private chat rooms etc should be avoided.

Secondly, falling in love is natural. Allah said in regards to the relationship between the husband and wife that He, ‘ordained between you love and mercy’ (30:21). Therefore, falling in love is not a sin because in shari’ah ‘whatever feelings overcome one’s heart without his or her choice, then no sin is deemed to have been committed. Indeed, feelings of love and hate which overcome one’s emotions inadvertently are not considered sins, unless they drive that person to act upon those feelings in an unlawful manner.

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Is Islam Unjust To Women By Keeping Them Indoors!?

QUESTION: Some people started believing in what the media of the enemies try to spread, which is an intellectual planned invasion. Like when they say: “ Islam is unjust to women, Islam has kept women at their homes and thus kept half of the society unemployed”. What is your answer and comment on this lie?.

ANSWER: (By Shaykh Ibn Uthaymeen (r.a))

Praise be to Allaah.

My comment on this is that these words can only come from one who is ignorant of sharee’ah, ignorant of Islam, ignorant of the rights of women, and is impressed by the attitudes and ways of the enemies of Allaah who are far away from the truth. Islam – praise be to Allaah – did not take away women’s rights, but Islam is the religion of wisdom which gives everyone his or her rightful status. Women’s work is in the home, and her staying athome is for the purpose of looking after her husband, raising her children, taking care the household affairs, and doing work that is suited to her.

The man has his own work to do, which is usually earning a living and benefiting the ummah. When she stays at home to look after him and her children, and the interests of her children, that is the work that is suited to her. It is also a protection for her, as it keeps her far away from immorality which may occur if she goes out and works with men. It is well known that when women work with men that also adversely affects the man’s work, because the man has a natural inclination towards women. If he works with her he will be distracted by this woman, especially if she is young and beautiful. He will forget his work and if he does it, he will not do it properly. The one who studies the situation of the Muslims at the beginning of Islam will see how they protected their womenfolk and how they did their work in the best manner. [End quote].

[Shaykh Muhammad ibn ‘Uthaymeen. Alfaaz wa Mafaaheem fi Meezaan al-Sharee’ah, p.72-73.]

Source: IslamQA

Protective Jealousy (Ghirah)

Definition:

Ghira: This arabic word covers a wide meaning – self-respect, jealousy (as regards women) and it is a feeling of fury with great anger when one’s honour and prestige is challenged or injured.

In Sahih Bukhari, Book 62, (Chapter on Nikah), Chapter 30 it says:

CHAPTER 30: The Ghira (i.e., honour, prestige or self-respect)

[Sa’d ibn ubaada said: “If i saw a man with my wife I would strike him with the sharp edge of the sword.” The prophet (SAW) said (to his companions); “Are you ashtonished by Sa’d’s (Ghira) sense of honour? (By Allaah) I have a greater sense of Ghira than he has, and Allaah has still more greater sense of Ghira than I have.“]

Narrated ‘Abdullah bin Masud:
The Prophet, said, “There is none having a greater sense of Ghira than Allah. And for that He has forbidden the doing of evil actions (illegal sexual intercourse etc.) There is none who likes to be praised more than Allah does.” [B150]

Narrated Asma’ bint Abu Bakr:
When Az-Zubair married me, he had no real property or any slave or anything else except a camel which drew water from the well, and his horse. I used to feed his horse with fodder and drew water and sew the bucket for drawing it, and prepare the dough, but I did not know how to bake bread. So our Ansari neighbors used to bake bread for me, and they were honorable ladies. I used to carry the date stones on my head from Zubair’s land given to him by Allah’s Apostle and this land was two third Farsakh (about two miles) from my house. One day, while I was coming with the date stones on my head, I met Allah’s Apostle along with some Ansari people. He called me and then, (directing his camel to kneel down) said, “Ikh! Ikh!” so as to make me ride behind him (on his camel). I felt shy to travel with the men and remembered Az-Zubair and his sense of Ghira, as he was one of those people who had the greatest sense of Ghira. Allah’s Apostle noticed that I felt shy, so he proceeded. I came to Az-Zubair and said, “I met Allah’s Apostle while I was carrying a load of date stones on my head, and he had some companions with him. He made his camel kneel down so that I might ride, but I felt shy in his presence and remembered your sense of Ghira (See the glossary).” On that Az-Zubair said, “By Allah, your carrying the date stones (and you being seen by the Prophet in such a state) is more shameful to me than your riding with him.” (I continued serving in this way) till Abu Bakr sent me a servant to look after the horse, whereupon I felt as if he had set me free. [B151]

Narrated Jabir:
The Prophet, said, “I entered Paradise and saw a palace and asked whose palace is this? They (the Angels) said, “This palace belongs to ‘Umar bin Al-Khattab.’ I intended to enter it, and nothing stopped me except my knowledge about your sense of Ghira (self-respect (O Umar).” ‘Umar said, “O Allah’s Apostle! Let my father and mother be sacrificed for you! O Allah’s Prophet! How dare I think of my Ghira (self-respect) being offended by you?” [B153]

CHAPTER 31: The jealousy of women and their anger

Narrated ‘Aisha’:
Allaah’s messenger said to me:

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Does He Have To Tell His Second Wife That He Is Married?

Does He Have To Tell His Second Wife That He Is Married?

QUESTION: I married a foreign woman after she became Muslim in a shar‘i marriage in accordance with the laws of Allah and the Sunnah of His Messenger, and I concealed from her the fact that I was married before. Is my marriage legitimate or do I have to tell her that I am married and that she is the second wife? Please note that I concealed this matter from her because the country in which we live does not allow plural marriage.

ANSWER: Praise be to Allaah.

It is not obligatory for the husband to tell the second wife that he is already married and this does not affect the validity of his marriage to her. So long as the marriage contract fulfilled the necessary requirements and conditions, then it is valid.

Shaykh Ibn Jibreen (may Allah preserve him) was asked:

Is it essential for the marriage to be valid that a man should inform the woman he wants to marry that he is married to another one, if he is not asked about that? Are there any consequences if he denies it if he is asked?

He replied:

The man is not obliged to tell the woman or her family that he is married if they do not ask him, but that cannot usually be hidden because marriage is not usually done except after a period of enquiring and asking about each of the two partners and verifying that they are suitable. But it is not permissible to conceal any facts, and if either party tells a lie and the other party acts on the basis of it, then there is the option of cancelling it. If he says that he is not married and is lying about that, then the woman has the option of annulling the marriage. If they say that she was a virgin when she is not, then he has the option of going ahead with the marriage or cancelling it.

Fataawa Islamiyyah, 3/129.

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